Friday, August 20, 2010

Rules of thumb beauty tips

I’ve long since stopped reading women’s magazines. Odd, I know, considering I’m interested in basically everything girly. I devoured them avidly throughout my teenage years, and even cut out articles of interest and scrapbooked them into an ultimate reference guide (GEEK ATTACK!!). But as I got older, I realized that the “beauty guides” were repetitive marketing schemes, the “advice” was generic and hypocritical, the relationship quizzes were totally paranoia-inducing (Is he cheating on you? Evaluate the texts he sends you!) and as for the ‘sex advice’… don’t even go there*. Lessons learned- instead of thinking of your man, your friends, and your body as stereotypes, appreciate their complexity. And if you’re concerned about your relationships, for God’s sake, just ask the people involved.
Here are some rules of thumb for personal beauty. You can rest assured that this isn’t some twisted marketing scheme (do you really think anyone pays me to write this stuff?) but tips and tricks motivated solely by my desire to help a sistah (or brother) out.
-Mascara comes in both the dirt cheap and ludicrously expensive varieties. Contrary to popular belief, it’s usually the brush that causes the disparity, not the formula. If you have expensive mascara you love, look for cheaper stuff that has a similar brush. Likewise, you can make your inexpensive mascara look ten times better with a little wrist work. The first strokes go on the lashes on the outer edge of the eye, depositing the heaviest layer of product where the lashes are naturally the thickest. Be sure to start right at the roots of the lashes! The next strokes go on the lashes on the inner edge of the eye. Dip the brush once more and give the very tips of your lashes a few light strokes to add length- quickly, before the first coat dries. Finally, the leftover mascara on the brush goes on your bottom lashes, again, outside to inside. Sounds complex, but you’ll get the hang of it.
-When you pluck your eyebrows, don’t just pull out hairs at random. Take time and analyze your natural eyebrow shape and browline. They tell art students who are learning to draw portraits that eyebrows are proportionally thickest over your pupil and the highest point of their arch aligns with the outer edge of your iris. Only pluck stray hairs that are far out of the natural line, and never ever pluck on the top of the brow (that’ll totally screw up the shape). You should be making your brows look neater, not like cricket legs or pencil lines.
-The more curly your hair, the more intense moisture you need and the less often you should wash your hair. To give you an idea of the spectrum, straight-haired types can get away with just a cleansing shampoo once a day, while those with nappy hair will need to use intense oils and wash once every few weeks. If your hair is dried, frizzy or rough to the touch, you should change how often you wash and the type of moisture you’re using. Not washing your hair is really the best way to revitalize your locks and scalp.
As a final word, work to emphasize your natural hair texture, skin tone, and body type- they are what make you beautiful. It’s already hard enough to look utterly fabulous without working against what could be your greatest assets. Stop the self-sabotage! Put down the flat iron, bronzer, and padded bras and take the time to understand what you need. I know it’s hard to think this way, especially since the beauty industry takes lots of time to convince us there’s lots and lots wrong with how we naturally look. That way they can make lots and lots of money solving our ‘problems’. Instead of forcing yourself into a mold you don’t fit, learn to be the most radiant version of what you already are.
For example-
“My hair is oddly textured and ugly.” Old answer- flat ironing, ponytails
New answer- a better haircut + shampoo for your hair type= “My hair has so much natural volume!”
Ladies, I hope you find this helpful. Especially since I think I just finally killed off the last of my male readership.

*Peppermint tea has no place in the bedroom unless it’s next to a good novel or some ginger snaps, and testicles are not, nor were they ever, the “new male g-spot”.

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